10 Ways to practice self-care

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Self-care is everywhere nowadays. Face masks, workouts, eating plans, juice bars, it seems as though anything can be sold under the umbrella of “self-care”, and maybe it is. I not judging anyone or anything here. I do want to point out that self-care is not just about how we care for our appearance. Please do exercise, eat healthy foods, brush your teeth with charcoal, and drink green juice- but also, please pay attention to attending to the whole self, which includes: the mind, relationships, self-talk, work, limits, sleep, education, space, home life, and gratitude. I’m offering 10 ways to practice today because it’s just so important.

The mind. I use the term mind to refer to our consciousness- not our thoughts and opinions about our thoughts or actions, but the part of ourselves that can observe all of these thoughts and opinions going on. The part of ourselves that “knows” even if we make a decision based on thought or emotion that is not in our best interest, our mind often is saying to us “I know this is probably not what I want, but…”, this part of of us needs to be nourished as much as anything else. If we ignore the mind, it becomes quieter and we stop trusting. We can care for mind with mindfulness, meditation, mindful movement, spiritual practices, prayer, music, alone time, and spending time observing nature. There are many more that could go on this list, but those are some that I know work for me.
Relationships. Healthy relationships are an important part of being human. We understand this at some level the moment we are born. We need relationships to survive and thrive. Take time to really invest in the relationships that bring you joy and better your life. Let people know when they have hurt you, but do so with gentleness and curiosity. Apologize when you have hurt someone. Listen deeply to others and breathe before responding. Say no when you need to and say yes when you can. Safety comes first, this advice is intended for safe relationships to improve and grow.
Self-talk. How many times a day are you telling yourself you are not good enough? That you are a bad person? Or some other negative statement about yourself? Our bodies respond to this information and over time, we start to believe these thoughts as fact. Make a choice to notice when these types of thoughts show up for you and challenge them with some self-compassion statements. An example: I forgot to pick up my friend from the airport. I might catch myself saying “You are so stupid, you always forget things, leaving your friend at the airport, why would anyone want to be your friend”… ouch! Notice the judgement. Challenge the mind to respond to the error in a different way. I believe the starting with the words “of course it makes sense”, helps me find the words when I am noticing harsh self-talk. An example: I forgot to pick up my friend from the airport. Notice the hurtful thoughts about self in that moment (this is why mindfulness is such a valuable practice, it helps me notice this moment) stop, breathe, insert the words “of course it makes sense” I’m feeling this _____, and may I be gentle with myself. Right then a softness occurs. If I’m gentle with myself, my self-talk could sound more like this. I forgot to pick my friend up at the airport. I’m feeling some guilt and embarrassment, maybe even shame. Of course that makes sense, I forgot something important to me and I am human therefore I sometimes forget things, I’ve had a busy week, I will make it up to them. Let me see how I can solve this. This sort of mindful communication with self will allow you to stay out of a punishing mind set and we can still repair with our friend and own our mistakes with gentleness and compassion.
Work. Do you love the work you do? Could you love the work you do? Sometimes we have to do what we have to do to provide for our basic needs and the needs of our loved ones. I get it. You may not love what you do and there may not be a short term solution to that. If however, the work you do is against your moral values, it may be very difficult to maintain long term. Start making plans to make changes so that long term, if possible, you can enjoy your work. If the work itself is not a problem, but your work life is complicated by difficulties with co-workers or gossip, here are some tips: don’t gossip, and refrain from speech that could cause harm. If you are overhearing gossip, avoid joining in and get away. Also, don’t agree to optional extra work if you don’t have the energy to do it. Pushing harder and harder only causes resentment and fatigue. More on that in section 5 on limits. Do agree to help out when you do have the energy. Thank others often. Bring food and/or other forms of treats for co-workers occasionally. Take breaks often. If you stand and walk regularly, make sure to rest. If you sit, take walking breaks. Take time each day to spend five minutes breathing before work, at lunch, and before leaving work. Notice transitions mindfully. Each time you enter or leave a room, that is a transition. Take the moment to notice that- we spend a lot of time three steps ahead and long term that manifests as anxiety.
Limits. Limits are hard, especially if you learned at a young age that saying no was not allowed or selfish. If that is case for you, return to section 3 because chances are if you set a limit with someone you may experience some guilt. And of course that make sense, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to say no to things. Limits are all about mindfully checking in with ourselves when something is being asked of us. Do I want to? If I do, do I have the energy to do it? If I don’t want to do it, but I really value the person that is asking me would it be an act of kindness to do it? Could I say yes with the intent of kindness and without holding resentment? Some of us say no too often, due to fear, social anxiety, or unwillingness. In this case, check in with yourself mindfully to see if you could say yes, throw your whole self in and observe the effects of that action. You may notice that agreeing to things once in a while is opening your heart to more joy and deeper connections.
Sleep. Sleep is very important for our health and unfortunately most of us are running on a deficit. Creating a healthy sleep routine can increase the quality of sleep we can achieve. Start by turning off your screens one hour before bed, keep your bed a separate area for sleep, no homework, work, watching TV etc. in bed. Bed is for sleeping. These are typical sleep hygiene tips, but coming at this from a mindfulness perspective, I would like to add daily mindful movement, working on loving kindness as a daily practice, working on forgiveness of self and others, letting go of grudges, reducing anger response, allowing yourself to feel your emotions, spending time in your body, and if you need help, finding a therapist that can help you work through these feelings.
Education. I know this might not seem like self-care, but it is. Education is important to a person’s self-respect and growth. I by no means am suggesting that education must be a part of a school or college experience. Education comes from all sorts of places: talking to others and mindfully listening to other’s perspectives, reading, pod casts, and many other places. If formal education is not possible or not your thing, no problem. Spend time educating yourself on differing opinions than yours, talk to people with different back grounds and beliefs, do this to understand and grow with an open heart and non-judgemental stance. The goal here is to learn- change may or may not be a part of that, so there is no need for resistance.
Space. Look around your home, your office, your car, anywhere that you spend a considerable amount of time. Are there places that need attention? This is very similar to the way we treat our selves, we may ignore the places that need attention and therefore continue a cycle of self-doubt or restlessness. Spend time coming up with a plan to create a space you feel at peace in. Bring in nature: plants, rocks, flowers, photos. Reduce clutter and get rid of things that cause you discomfort. Donate things that you don’t use and create areas of sanctuary.
Home life. I think by now you are starting to pick up on the idea that how we do anything is how we do everything. Ask yourself the difficult questions here. Is my home life what I want it to be? I am not referring to having the “perfect” house, or material things. I talking about our relationships: our partners, children, pets, relatives. Am I able to give my home life the attention it needs to enhance my relationships at home and therefore create more connection? The more connection the more self respect. The more self respect the less suffering. Some of this we have control over and some we don’t- I know that is true. Can we change the things we do have control over to create a home life that we want to come home to? A place of loving awareness for ourselves. Are we setting limits with our jobs to be able to do this? Can we say no? Can we say yes? Can we put down our phones and connect? Much easier said than done. Please re-read 1-6 as a helpful guide on working toward this.
Gratitude. Practice gratitude daily. Multiple times a day works too. When we are feeling annoyed, irritated, angry, sad, hopeless, look around, can you name one thing you are grateful for? Keep a gratitude journal and start each day with naming three things to be grateful for. If you notice a lot of self-judgement, try to notice that and stop to turn the mind to gratefulness. Maybe this example will help illustrate what I mean by this. While I was hiking last summer I noticed myself caught in a moment of self-judgment and anger. It was a more challenging hike that I had anticipated and I notice my thoughts were turning to how out of shape I was, how I didn’t exercise enough, comparing myself to people passing me on the trail, comparing myself to a younger version of myself that was more in shape. The more the thoughts came, the more tension I felt in my body, the more tension I felt in my body, the shorter and sharper I was with my hiking partner. “Slow down!”, I yelled. This was an opportunity for me to turn my mind to gratitude. I started by thanking my thighs for being able to carry me up this trail. I thanked my heart for pumping blood to my body. I began to feel a deep sense of gratefulness for what I am able to do and how my body can support me. My heart softened, my body relaxed, I apologized for my sharpness and I continued with gentleness and compassion for myself as I am.

I know this is a longer post than usual, I appreciate you spending the time to read it. I hope you hang on to it to refer back to and practice some of the tips I’ve offered. Start with one section, don’t get to overwhelmed with all of the information. And if you do, notice those thoughts and return to gentle awareness and gratitude for all you do.

5 ways to practice gratitude

I did not always have the easiest time practicing gratitude. I was not really taught as a child how to be grateful. Growing up in poverty, it seemed I was always thinking about the things I didn’t have and wishing I had more. Which is understandable, given the circumstances. I have a lot of compassion for my younger self, however the problem with this way of thinking is that I was conditioning my mind to do more, work harder, compare myself, judge myself, and in turn feel ‘less-than’ a lot of the time.

When I was taught to practice gratitude through my mindfulness training it felt uncomfortable- fake even. I did not understand how being grateful for the ‘little things’ in life was going to do anything for me. Sometimes I even felt angry, as if I deserved more in life and by being grateful for what I had somehow meant I did not need or deserve more. I practiced and practiced, I felt jealous of other people practicing gratitude because it seemed to be so genuine while I was faking it. Which of course then brought on shame for my jealousy, my anger, and not being good enough, even at gratitude.

To my surprise, over time, not only did I begin to really feel the sensation of gratefulness in my body, I also noticed my jealously and anger went away. I was not worried about what others had. I lost the urge to compare! I even noticed that when other people were successful I was happy for them, I wasn’t faking it. I actually felt it.

What I realized was that I had more than enough and I am more than enough. Gratitude reduced my anxiety because I was no longer comparing myself or working myself beyond humanly possible to try and get more. Gratitude reduced my sadness because I was present with the true joy in life; seasons changing, wildlife, a perfect cup of tea, my health, the scent of a flower- the things money can’t buy. My heart began to open, my defenses began to lesson, my mind began to see clearly.

Here are five ways to actively add gratitude to your life.

Start a gratitude jar or journal. I keep a large mason jar in my kitchen with a small note pad and paper next to it. Every day I write down something I am grateful for and put it in the jar. On New Year’s Day, my family and I sit down together and read the papers in jar. I love this ritual.
Practice acts of kindness daily: give compliments, let people in front of you in traffic, buy someone a meal, text or call a friend just to say I love you.
Don’t gossip or get involved in conversations where the topic is someone else.
Get out in nature, even a city park or your yard. Just get outside and breathe, listen, observe.
Thank everyone, and accept compliments you are given.

5 ways to reduce anxiety with mindfulness

Anxiety has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. The phrase “but what if… ” might have been my first words. I have lived the majority of my life in fear. My inner dialogue was a series of questions: what if the plane crashes, what if the spider bites me in my sleep, what if there is an earthquake, and so on and so on. People assuring me those things were not going to happen did not help, because the truth is those things do happen. At my worst I was struggling with OCD, at my best I was white-knuckling my anxiety and pretending I was fine. I became a great actor; I even majored in and received a B.F.A. in acting. I was acting my way through life, playing the role of the person who was not scared of everything- no one knew that my body was stuck in fight or flight for most of my twenties. Mindfulness changed everything for me. By training my mind to not identify those thoughts as evidence, I was able to train my body to relax. I was becoming less fearful of my thoughts, and in response, my body followed. Don’t get me wrong: I still have days that are harder than others. However, mindfulness gives me a tool box to return to that actually works for me. Here are my top five go to ideas on those harder days:

Observe the thoughts and label them as such. Thoughts. Anxiety thoughts. Fear thoughts. Whatever works for you.
Do something different with the brain. Take up the space of the anxiety thoughts; listen to sounds, look for colors in a room, play a game on my phone, crossword puzzle. Something that is strong enough to take up the space. Sorry, Netflix doesn’t do it for me. I love Netflix as much as the next person, but when I am flooded with anxiety thoughts I can easily watch a show and still think.
Breathe. I know, I know, everyone says that, and I know what your thinking breathing doesn’t change anything. I believed that at first too. I was wrong, over time and with practice breathing does in fact reduce anxiety and calm the body.
Self-care. This is where my self-care tips come in handy. Self-care means many things to many people, when I refer to self care here or on Instagram, I am referring to soothing the body; baths, massage, candles, tea, chocolate, incense, getting my hair done, long walks, healthy food, exercise, mindful movement, meditation. I’m also referring to; seeing a therapist, setting limits, saying no, listening to your inner wisdom, practicing gratitude, compassion, and generosity.
Body Scan. Focus on the body one area at a time, noticing any sensations and describing the sensation to yourself. Words like, pressure, tingling, lightness, heaviness. I like to start with my feet and move my way up through my legs and torso, arms, hands, neck, face and head. Insight timer app has several body scan meditations you can listen to and it’s free.

The importance of a morning ritual

When thinking about mindfulness practices and maintaining a commitment to practice meditation I believe having a morning ritual is a great place to start. Rituals are an important part of the human experience and bring calm and healing just in themselves. I personally start my day with the following:

1. Check in with my heart.

I feed the animals, all the animals. Birds, squirrels, my beloved dog, and of course the crows (more on the crows later). This ritual opens my heart to the new day.

2. Light a candle.

This starts to set the intention that I am going to sit on my cushion to meditate today. It also soothes my senses, which encourages my body to sit. You could also use a diffuser with oils, incense, sage, whatever you prefer.

3. Grab my meditation shawl.

Now I live in the Northwest where in the mornings it’s a little chilly so this works for me. When I am vacationing in warmer weather I will use a sarong. Regardless of conditions grab something that says to your brain. “Hey time to meditate”

4. Coffee, tea, or water with lemon.

I’m not going to drink the whole cup, the last thing I want is a meditation practice of feeling into my urge to pee. Just a few sips to wake up my senses. I want to be alert so I can have wise attention to my practice.

5. Insight timer

If you don’t know about the Insight timer app, check it out. It’s a great way to start and there are plenty of guided meditations on the app as well if you are just starting out. There is a timer that will ring a lovely bell for you when your time is up. It also connects you with people all over the world meditating with you at that time. I love seeing all the red dots on the maps and knowing I am connected.